Monday, April 9, 2012

Why Can't Just Being a Mom Be Enough?

Good God, do I feel like I'm being self-pitying.  But sometimes things just have to be said, and maybe to some of you I'll sound like I'm completely ungrateful for being able to stay home, but maybe others will be able to empathize.

I have a confession to make.  I am not completely happy.  Even though I am happy to be home taking care of my son (who by the way is getting ridiculously cuter every day) I still do not feel fulfilled at the end of the day.  I feel like I need something to, for lack of better words, "brag" about.  Teaching is a very thankless job, but not many people can teach high school math.  I'm not saying that I want to go back to work right now, because I DON'T.  But, let's be honest, by today's standards, there is nothing special about what I do all day.  CJ gets up.  Bottle and breakfast.  Play.  Nap.  I fit exercise sometime before wake time or during morning nap.  Get up.  Bottle.  Errand.  Lunch.  Nap (I try to fit something in for myself or housework during this time).  Bottle.  Play/errands.  Dinner.  Bath.  Bottle.  Bed.  Everyday.  Nothing special, right?  Except that deep down, I know it is.  I know I have already been teaching CJ.  But why does that still not feel like enough?  Why do I feel like I need some hobby/job, money-making or not, on the side?  Do I even have time for that?  What would I even do?  Many of my hobbies I'm only mediocre at, and it seems like nothing I do is very special anymore.  Running a half marathon?  That's nothing.  Photography?  I've got my 365 project, a great camera, some decent pictures - but not good enough for anything more.  Baking?  You should have seen my caved-in creamsicle cupcakes that I made over this weekend.  Disaster.  (Although I will admit, tasted good even though you had to eat them with a fork).  Blogging?  Ha.  Everyone and their mother blogs.  I admittedly jumped on that band wagon way after it started.


I suppose I'll feel better when I can get out and do more with CJ.  I took him to Frying Pan Park the other week, thinking that he would enjoy seeing the farm animals now because he gets such a kick out of our cat, Izzie.  He could have cared less, and the animals just had babies!!!  Other Stay At Home Moms, (if there are any that reading this) did or do you feel the same way?  How did you get out of it?  Why don't I feel that I have had a completely productive day at 9:00 PM after putting CJ to bed and all of the dishes/bottles are washed, toys that he has happily played with are put away, and we worked some more or eating finger foods and using the sippy cup during the day?  Being a teacher, I know I have some level of intrinsic motivation- I guess I just need to dig even deeper for more. 

Sorry for the slightly negative post- I never was much of a journal-writer, but putting this out there has been helpful, if anything to see if other moms feel the same way.  Good night everyone!